četrtek, 10. avgust 2017

Big negative : small positive 1

In last weeks me & my boyfriend are quite often playing the table game which is new for me and I’m still learning how to manage/coordinate all possibilities that the game is offering. It’s quite complex game and man needs to be focused and flexible & without experience one is losing a lot of games before first win.

When I have finally reached my firs win (while playing without help of my partner), I have noticed strange pattern. While I was losing in all previous cases, I got in reactions many times and they were often quite strong. It was not helpful to consciously know that they are not supportive/acceptable, not either that ‘it’s just a game’ and that I don’t need to take it personally. Anger, powerlessness, blaming my partner and/or universe for ‘unfavorable’ micro-situations in which I had found myself were my choices of reactions. But then when I have finally won, I was in that yaaay good vibe for a moment, its intensity was much lasser then when I have lost and it was ‘no big deal’.

Soon after that I was like ‘wait a minute – why is this so’??
I saw that this flow it’s not just game related, but is my usual chain-reaction in life. The same was when I wrote the diploma. I took most rejections and critics as really big deal, but when I have finished my diploma it was just ‘it’s finally done’ with a bit of joy and relief and good feelings were gone just like that…

Now I’m aware that reacting is not supportive – neither when is negative, nor when is positive, but that ratio is interesting anyway.
Also because I see parallels with my problem : solution orientation ratio & with my grumpy character within it.
But let’s put this on a side for a while and let’s see what have opened up when talking about it with my DIP buddy [B].

B: do you see any memories that stand out in relation to losing or making mistakes?
M: nothing specific
maybe it's just a dynamic in my primary family
B: winning/losing patterns are usually ingrained at home, yes, with games - and making mistakes or not both at home and in school
M: where my father has always pointed out mistakes, rarely achievements of me & mother - as they were self-evident
B: ah - there you go
would be good to just write or speak some SF statements in relation to such memories, to diffuse your definition based on the past as well - to then redefine who you are/want to be when making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy fathers propensity to make a big deal out of mistakes and errors within me, my mother and others and to neglect achievements & effective ways lived by myself & people in my environment. I realize that this approach is contributing a lot to me being unmotivated & felling devaluated in sense ‘is there anything really worthy to fight/live for??’.
My mother on the other side, has used both - criticism and commendation evenly- in large amounts; but commendations that she would give me were rarely repeated from others and thus I start to see them as more or less empty, as praising with intent to be praised back. And thus again – the mistakes through criticism were more relevant…
Now here I am – seeing that I need to preprogram myself in that context if I don’t want to ‘mistaken myself down to dead’.
Therefore, I commit myself to observe myself in relation to making mistakes, to re-define the word mistake, to stop taking mistakes as something finalized, unchangeable and to see them more as the steps along the way of learning and gaining skills.
Also I commit myself to more often and for longer embrace my achievements and moments in which I have shown effectiveness + to re-define the word effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to making big deal out of mistakes and errors and to neglect achievements & effective ways lived by myself, my mother & people in my environment. I see, that blaming my parents for exposing me to unpractical patterns that they did in that context is only disturbance on my way and it’s better for all of us if I rather put all of my focus on creating a stimulating, encouraging environment for myself as myself - as I always wanted to have / in which I wanted to be. That means, that I will have to catch myself when going in dramatizing in relation to mistake – as soon as possible and not allow myself to get possessed by that habit again… I will have to stop it, breathe through tendency to fall into it / to entertain it aaaaaand repeat it many times. Also I will have to re-learn how to self-honestly celebrate achievements; first step would will be to give/gift myself more time to look at them. 

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