torek, 19. september 2017

Behaviour pattern of rebellious judge mutated to grumpy one without better propositions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as disappointment in relation to my mother with the excuse that she has pretend to be all-knowing, supporting, loving person when I was a kid and through my teenage years she has turned into the oppressor.
There is some true in those words, but simultaneously I have turned from decent, obedient mother-adoring child to rebellious teenager, which was all about dreaming, having fun and pushing all responsibilities away. 
I see, that my perception of mother was far from clear; she wasn’t and will never be all-knowing, she was/is just convincing in her expression and therefore I allowed myself to see her as all-knowing, true-taking, trust-worthy person. And yes, she is true-taking & trust-worthy sometimes, but she is lacking self-honesty often and she quite emotional to.
I understand that she was supporting and loving person also through my teenage years, but I have just not allowed myself to see her as such, because I was rather existed as dreamer/laziness and simply tag her as oppressor / ‘the guilty one’ with hidden attempt to redirect my attention from myself.
Thus I was the one who has created me as disappointment in relation to my mother, because I was creating my wanted version of her in my head instead of accepting her for who she was. Later when I felt disappointed with myself, I was projecting that disappointment on her and trying to fix her quite often.
I see that solution here is to see her for what she really is. That is a lot easier since I have moved away from her (house). Emotional tension that was present between us almost all the time is a lot lower. (Also she can see me with fresh eyes; she seems to be surprised with ‘how much’ I am willing to help her with work when I come on visit, when for me is self-evident, that I will help for a while.)
When I see (m)other for what they really are and not what I want them to be, I cannot accumulate wishes, expectations, happiness points that would mutated to disappointment within me. And I will use that knowing in my agreement with my intimate partner. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my mother in sense that she was the provider and If I haven’t pleased her, she didn’t allow me to fulfil my desires. I see, that I haven’t had clear definition of actual needs and desires as a child, that all my basic needs were covered and that less desire I would had, less fear would I experienced. I also see, that I was becoming & later being addicted to that fear and anxiety and thus I didn’t allow myself to become my own provider and to clear my desires. ‘I’ enjoyed that ‘fake worrying : offended’ dynamic game which I have played with mother. And because I don’t want it to spread in my others relationships, I have to permanently become my own provider and I have to self-honestly check my desires and correct / remove them regularly.     

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become selfish rebellious teenager, who didn’t care about anything but themselves and to allow that behaviour to mutate into grumpy personality.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my constant backchats in which I have constantly judge (m)other as unsuitable / disappointing / boring, but rarely speak out about what disturbs me by others in their faces -- because I have known deep inside me that I’m not being fair to them, neither to myself. Within that I forgive myself that I have hurt myself with anxiety and spitefulness…
I see, that I’m projecting my own dissatisfaction onto others – because it’s easier than facing lacks within myself and correcting them.
Today was one of those cases – where group of a 6 was gathered to debate about how are things in relation to Universal Basic Income in our country and what are the plans… And I saw myself judging all in a row ‘lol’; V.K. for not acting sooner and thus loosing good opportunity, V. for taking talk away from the main topic and taking a time to present an overwhelming amount of infos which he founds important, myself and B. for not stopping him, M. and V.K. for listening… But I was actually dissatisfied with myself –- I didn’t have enough info to ask V.K. relevant questions, I didn’t have enough guts to stop V. or to ask him how is his talking in relation to our meeting or to tell him that he is talking to much / taking too much time for himself (while it was lasting) in stability and so on. However, judging others or myself is not in any help what so ever. Finding solutions in the given moments and realizing them is. Directing self and kindly/stable direct others is. And that is what I will choose instead of judgment, grumpiness, projections, disappointment, dissatisfaction. I need to upgrade my self-trust and there is no other way then trough the stable actions in the given moments.      

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