Intimacy / exposure / nakedness

When I was in art faculty, one of our subjects was Sculpturing by which we were learning also about conceptual art. One of the projects on which we all have worked was Intimacy. My schoolmate decided to do the performance. She stepped in front of the class + camera and she stated that we can ask her whatever we want, that she will expose herself for us. For around 10 minutes – for as long as the camera battery will last. 

Thus the class started to asking her random questions and she was answering. Simultaneously she took of the jacked. When she took of another piece of clothing, I saw where that was leading. She was honestly answering all of our questions and she was taking of her clothes till underwear and maybe even a bra. (We were otherwise use to see people in underwear in our classes as we were drawing models.)

I have decided to be really there for her – as I was appreciating her offer a lot – and at the end, when she was close to totally naked a have asked her questions that I was really interested in and they were deep.
However focused I was in terms of empathy, I was on other side also hypnotized and enchanted by her audacity, exposure of vulnerability as well as charged with ‘fine’ sexual energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself exist in states of hypnosis and enchantment by her audacity, exposure of vulnerability as well as in charge of ‘fine’ sexual energy.

When and as I see myself existing in states of hypnosis and enchantment over someone attributes and existing in state of sexually charged energy – I stop and I breathe.

I see that on one hand I’m making myself vulnerable – not in practical and supportive way, but as easier target for manipulation through sex preprograming…

I realize that I was hypnotized and enchanted as she was having those attributes which I would also like to have A LOT.

I commit myself to in similar moments calm myself down till the extent where I will not be easy target for manipulation and I rather just learn from the person trough event as well as asking questions about how did one get to that self-empowerment after event if possible.   

Better planning instead of wheel of panic

I had an appointment by a dentist. I had the date in my calendar, yet I have missed it. Well – not completely… I’ve remembered on appointment few minutes before I should be there. It was that ‘fuck!’ moment. I just took my car and went straight to it. I wanted to call that I will be late, but my battery was empty – which happens really rarely. I was in need to see him, because one tooth was slightly painful for quite some time and I was afraid that I will have problems while travelling out of state.

When I have arrived, the dentist was already packing his stuff and he went straight into defense without greeting – We cannot take you now! You are too late. If you would call, maybe we could arrange something. His voice was quite strict and I was shocked by his ‘rude’ response.

I told him, that I understand and I have explained that my phone was out of battery. It was not such a big deal, but my voice was already shaky. I got new date before planed travel and I was relieved.
However when I came out of the building and into the car, tears were started falling down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go directly and automatically in fear and hurry right after I have remembered that I have an appointment, to judge myself as irresponsible, to feel attacked/blamed from dentist side and to go into victim/overwhelmed character and crying in the end.

 When and as I see myself going into fear – I stop and I breathe. 

I see that fear was the first element in the chain of reactions and if I would calm myself down and take a moment to look at it, I could cut chain reaction right there and prevent all unnecessary reacting which followed. I realise that I could prevent even going in automatic fear.

I commit myself to check my calendar every Sunday before new week and in weeks in which I have important meetings I will check it every night before I go to sleep - as the prevention of missing important meetings.

Desire for eternal ecstasy : common sense

When I have tried ecstasy for the first time I was like ‘’holy fuck, that drug was made for me’’. Many times before it has happened that I wanted to dance longer, that there was that awesome song on play, but my body just didn’t cooperate anymore as I have danced myself out already.

But with ecstasy I could dance for hours + everybody was so nice and everything was so beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to glorify pleasant effects of ecstasy and smoothly ignore unpleasant effect of ecstasy and thus ‘rape’ my body as well as mind with ‘more’.

Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in desire that ecstasy mood would be always on – that my whole reality would look like that.

Now, I have stopped ecstasy completely many years ago, but it could be replaced with feelings of happiness + excitement +… let’s call it ultimate positive mix.   

When and as I see myself glorifying pleasant effects of positive energies mix and ignoring negative effects of positive energies mix – I stop and I breathe.

I see that with feelings is the same as with drugs – what goes up, must come down. Sooner or later the effects of ecstasy begin to fall and one starts feeling accumulated tiredness of the physical. Body wants to rest, but the mind is restless as fuck and it can be really annoying those few hours when one can’t get no sleep… + next 2,3 days when one is recovering from exhaustion from exaggerated movement. I realize that positive energies mix is not that intensive, but it works the same was – it makes body tired –- in set with negative polarity. More one is intensifying positivity, more negativity will follow…

I understand that is simply impossible to constantly exist in positive polarity, therefore I commit myself to stop longing for it and rather give more attention to what is here in that moment as physical and common sense. Who know what I may find…

 

Replaying memories : negative behaviour of my ex

I broke up with my ex 7,8 years ago, yet I still often remember how bad he has treated me on many occasions… or should I say how bad have I let him to treat me… It looks like I haven’t written ‘him’ out enough.
One of the memories with negative charge related to him goes like this:

He had bald spot relatively young (25 or less) and it has bothered him a lot. One day he asked me ‘what if I shave it all down and go bald?’. It seemed like awesome idea to me, because it would be visually more attractive + he would not be bothered with handling his weak spot on daily basis anymore.

He asked me if I wanted to shave his hair with machine and I was immediately in – I wanted that experience. When I shaved his hair, he saw how uneven was hair and he started insulting me. He was getting more and more angry and in the end he became mean, he was yelling at me. I felt down, sad, I saw him as unjust in relation to me.
Later the hairdresser told him that for smooth bald look is necessary to end up with a razor in any case. Thus he saw that he was unfair to me, yet he didn’t apologise or said something – anything about his bad behaviour. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resented my ex because of his angry, yelling, mean, contempt-full, superior behavior which he has often expressed in relationship with and to me + I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this specific negative memory on shaving his hair within me and replaying it every now and then – to feed myself as MCS with negative energy which I have attached to it.

When and as I see myself going into remembering memories with negative charge in relation to my ex with intention to feed myself as MCS – I stop and I breathe.

I realize, that he is no more present in my physical reality and he can’t scar(e) me with his angry appearance / I don’t need to feel inferior to him anymore. I see that it was me and me alone who has let him to express his superiority in relation to me from the very beginning of our relationship. I understand that with playing inferiority figure in his game I was allowing him to continue and intensify his destructive behavior. I realize that I was compromising myself as well as my impact on him ‘just’ because of sexual pleasures – orgasms, which I haven’t experienced regularly with any boy before him… Now I see that I can be in agreement in which I have nice sex as well as support on other areas.
I commit myself to stop replaying negative memories in relation to my ex. When they will come up, I will remind myself that I was compromising myself for something that I thought I can’t find elsewhere; but now I know I can, thus the compromising into fear and inferiority is over.

And if that will not help, I will write out more on specific memories that may come up.