I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as
disappointment in relation to my mother with the excuse that she has pretend to
be all-knowing, supporting, loving person when I was a kid and through my
teenage years she has turned into the oppressor.
There is some true in those words, but simultaneously I have turned from
decent, obedient mother-adoring child to rebellious teenager, which was all
about dreaming, having fun and pushing all responsibilities away.
I see, that my perception of mother was far from clear; she wasn’t and
will never be all-knowing, she was/is just convincing in her expression and
therefore I allowed myself to see her as all-knowing, true-taking, trust-worthy
person. And yes, she is true-taking & trust-worthy sometimes, but she is
lacking self-honesty often and she quite emotional to.
I understand that she was supporting and loving person also through my teenage
years, but I have just not allowed myself to see her as such, because I was
rather existed as dreamer/laziness and simply tag her as oppressor / ‘the
guilty one’ with hidden attempt to redirect my attention from myself.
Thus I was the one who has created me as disappointment in relation to
my mother, because I was creating my wanted version of her in my head instead
of accepting her for who she was. Later when I felt disappointed with myself, I
was projecting that disappointment on her and trying to fix her quite often.
I see that solution here is to see her for what she really is. That is a lot
easier since I have moved away from her (house). Emotional tension that was
present between us almost all the time is a lot lower. (Also she can see me
with fresh eyes; she seems to be surprised with ‘how much’ I am willing to help
her with work when I come on visit, when for me is self-evident, that I will
help for a while.)
When I see (m)other for what they really are and not what I want them to be, I
cannot accumulate wishes, expectations, happiness points that would mutated to
disappointment within me. And I will use that knowing in my agreement with my
intimate partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my
mother in sense that she was the provider and If I haven’t pleased her, she
didn’t allow me to fulfil my desires. I see, that I haven’t had clear
definition of actual needs and desires as a child, that all my basic needs were
covered and that less desire I would had, less fear would I experienced. I also
see, that I was becoming & later being addicted to that fear and anxiety
and thus I didn’t allow myself to become my own provider and to clear my
desires. ‘I’ enjoyed that ‘fake worrying : offended’ dynamic game which I have
played with mother. And because I don’t want it to spread in my others
relationships, I have to permanently become my own provider and I have to
self-honestly check my desires and correct / remove them regularly.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become selfish rebellious
teenager, who didn’t care about anything but themselves and to allow that
behaviour to mutate into grumpy personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to listen to my constant backchats in which I have constantly judge
(m)other as unsuitable / disappointing / boring, but rarely speak out about
what disturbs me by others in their faces -- because I have known deep inside
me that I’m not being fair to them, neither to myself. Within that I forgive
myself that I have hurt myself with anxiety and spitefulness…
I see, that I’m projecting my own dissatisfaction onto others – because it’s
easier than facing lacks within myself and correcting them.
Today was one of those cases – where group of a 6 was gathered to debate about
how are things in relation to Universal Basic Income in our country and what
are the plans… And I saw myself judging all in a row ‘lol’; V.K. for not acting
sooner and thus loosing good opportunity, V. for taking talk away from the main
topic and taking a time to present an overwhelming amount of infos which he
founds important, myself and B. for not stopping him, M. and V.K. for
listening… But I was actually dissatisfied with myself –- I didn’t have enough
info to ask V.K. relevant questions, I didn’t have enough guts to stop V. or to
ask him how is his talking in relation to our meeting or to tell him that he is
talking to much / taking too much time for himself (while it was lasting) in
stability and so on. However, judging others or myself is not in any help what
so ever. Finding solutions in the given moments and realizing them is. Directing
self and kindly/stable direct others is. And that is what I will choose instead
of judgment, grumpiness, projections, disappointment, dissatisfaction. I need
to upgrade my self-trust and there is no other way then trough the stable
actions in the given moments.
