sreda, 29. julij 2020

Intimacy / exposure / nakedness

When I was in art faculty, one of our subjects was Sculpturing by which we were learning also about conceptual art. One of the projects on which we all have worked was Intimacy. My schoolmate decided to do the performance. She stepped in front of the class + camera and she stated that we can ask her whatever we want, that she will expose herself for us. For around 10 minutes – for as long as the camera battery will last. 

Thus the class started to asking her random questions and she was answering. Simultaneously she took of the jacked. When she took of another piece of clothing, I saw where that was leading. She was honestly answering all of our questions and she was taking of her clothes till underwear and maybe even a bra. (We were otherwise use to see people in underwear in our classes as we were drawing models.)

I have decided to be really there for her – as I was appreciating her offer a lot – and at the end, when she was close to totally naked a have asked her questions that I was really interested in and they were deep.
However focused I was in terms of empathy, I was on other side also hypnotized and enchanted by her audacity, exposure of vulnerability as well as charged with ‘fine’ sexual energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself exist in states of hypnosis and enchantment by her audacity, exposure of vulnerability as well as in charge of ‘fine’ sexual energy.

When and as I see myself existing in states of hypnosis and enchantment over someone attributes and existing in state of sexually charged energy – I stop and I breathe.

I see that on one hand I’m making myself vulnerable – not in practical and supportive way, but as easier target for manipulation through sex preprograming…

I realize that I was hypnotized and enchanted as she was having those attributes which I would also like to have A LOT.

I commit myself to in similar moments calm myself down till the extent where I will not be easy target for manipulation and I rather just learn from the person trough event as well as asking questions about how did one get to that self-empowerment after event if possible.   

četrtek, 23. julij 2020

Better planning instead of wheel of panic

I had an appointment by a dentist. I had the date in my calendar, yet I have missed it. Well – not completely… I’ve remembered on appointment few minutes before I should be there. It was that ‘fuck!’ moment. I just took my car and went straight to it. I wanted to call that I will be late, but my battery was empty – which happens really rarely. I was in need to see him, because one tooth was slightly painful for quite some time and I was afraid that I will have problems while travelling out of state.

When I have arrived, the dentist was already packing his stuff and he went straight into defense without greeting – We cannot take you now! You are too late. If you would call, maybe we could arrange something. His voice was quite strict and I was shocked by his ‘rude’ response.

I told him, that I understand and I have explained that my phone was out of battery. It was not such a big deal, but my voice was already shaky. I got new date before planed travel and I was relieved.
However when I came out of the building and into the car, tears were started falling down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go directly and automatically in fear and hurry right after I have remembered that I have an appointment, to judge myself as irresponsible, to feel attacked/blamed from dentist side and to go into victim/overwhelmed character and crying in the end.

 When and as I see myself going into fear – I stop and I breathe. 

I see that fear was the first element in the chain of reactions and if I would calm myself down and take a moment to look at it, I could cut chain reaction right there and prevent all unnecessary reacting which followed. I realise that I could prevent even going in automatic fear.

I commit myself to check my calendar every Sunday before new week and in weeks in which I have important meetings I will check it every night before I go to sleep - as the prevention of missing important meetings.

petek, 10. julij 2020

Desire for eternal ecstasy : common sense

When I have tried ecstasy for the first time I was like ‘’holy fuck, that drug was made for me’’. Many times before it has happened that I wanted to dance longer, that there was that awesome song on play, but my body just didn’t cooperate anymore as I have danced myself out already.
But with ecstasy I could dance for hours + everybody was so nice and everything was so beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to glorify pleasant effects of ecstasy and smoothly ignore unpleasant effect of ecstasy and thus ‘rape’ my body as well as mind with ‘more’.
Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in desire that ecstasy mood would be always on – that my whole reality would look like that.

Now, I have stopped ecstasy completely many years ago, but it could be replaced with feelings of happiness + excitement +… let’s call it ultimate positive mix.   
When and as I see myself glorifying pleasant effects of positive energies mix and ignoring negative effects of positive energies mix – I stop and I breathe.
I see that with feelings is the same as with drugs – what goes up, must come down. Sooner or later the effects of ecstasy begin to fall and one starts feeling accumulated tiredness of the physical. Body wants to rest, but the mind is restless as fuck and it can be really annoying those few hours when one can’t get no sleep… + next 2,3 days when one is recovering from exhaustion from exaggerated movement. I realize that positive energies mix is not that intensive, but it works the same was – it makes body tired –- in set with negative polarity. More one is intensifying positivity, more negativity will follow…
I understand that is simply impossible to constantly exist in positive polarity, therefore I commit myself to stop longing for it and rather give more attention to what is here in that moment as physical and common sense. Who know what I may find…

sreda, 01. julij 2020

Replaying memories : negative behaviour of my ex

I broke up with my ex 7,8 years ago, yet I still often remember how bad he has treated me on many occasions… or should I say how bad have I let him to treat me… It looks like I haven’t written ‘him’ out enough.
One of the memories with negative charge related to him goes like this:
He had bald spot relatively young (25 or less) and it has bothered him a lot. One day he asked me ‘what if I shave it all down and go bald?’. It seemed like awesome idea to me, because it would be visually more attractive + he would not be bothered with handling his weak spot on daily basis anymore.
He asked me if I wanted to shave his hair with machine and I was immediately in – I wanted that experience. When I shaved his hair, he saw how uneven was hair and he started insulting me. He was getting more and more angry and in the end he became mean, he was yelling at me. I felt down, sad, I saw him as unjust in relation to me.
Later the hairdresser told him that for smooth bald look is necessary to end up with a razor in any case. Thus he saw that he was unfair to me, yet he didn’t apologise or said something – anything about his bad behaviour. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resented my ex because of his angry, yelling, mean, contempt-full, superior behavior which he has often expressed in relationship with and to me + I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this specific negative memory on shaving his hair within me and replaying it every now and then – to feed myself as MCS with negative energy which I have attached to it.

When and as I see myself going into remembering memories with negative charge in relation to my ex with intention to feed myself as MCS – I stop and I breathe.
I realize, that he is no more present in my physical reality and he can’t scar(e) me with his angry appearance / I don’t need to feel inferior to him anymore. I see that it was me and me alone who has let him to express his superiority in relation to me from the very beginning of our relationship. I understand that with playing inferiority figure in his game I was allowing him to continue and intensify his destructive behavior. I realize that I was compromising myself as well as my impact on him ‘just’ because of sexual pleasures – orgasms, which I haven’t experienced regularly with any boy before him… Now I see that I can be in agreement in which I have nice sex as well as support on other areas.
I commit myself to stop replaying negative memories in relation to my ex. When they will come up, I will remind myself that I was compromising myself for something that I thought I can’t find elsewhere; but now I know I can, thus the compromising into fear and inferiority is over.
And if that will not help, I will write out more on specific memories that may come up.   

torek, 30. junij 2020

Why don't you just accept what is best for all - including you?!?

When I have first heard about Equal money system in 2011 and then read all about it, it was immediately clear to me – this is it!!! I was very excited and I wanted to spread the word about it between everybody in my circle’s. I expected that most people would see common sense in it, adopt the idea and help to realise it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exists in belief that others will mostly be similarly excited as I was and that they will see common sense of such system without any problem – as the only obstacle was that they didn’t hear about it yet - and after we spread the voice everything will flow more or less smoothly.

Well, that was really one-of-a-kind case, however -- when and as I see myself existing as excitement about super & all-inclusive supportive idea and belief that it will be adopted by almost everyone who will hear about it – I stop and I take few breaths and then I take a few more.

I see, that people are still quite trapped in their unpractical mentall’n’emotional patterns, especially in victims and tradition/habits characters and personalities, which are preventing them to see a solution when they meet one or to align with it.

I commit myself to stay solution oriented and to not give up in such a cases; to talk with many – to see what is not clear, what exactly is bothering them and then using those points for further debate (after firs writing it out for myself if needed).

sobota, 27. junij 2020

The story of some painting

I had dimensions and the motive. 
I started to research the motive, the symbolic. Within that I started to search for pictures on net – Saint Florian + painted glass. When I have found the one I was satisfied with, I saw that it has very different dimensions than the glass I was supposed to paint on. Thus, I’ve put chosen picture in the middle and started thinking about side design. Father suggested just flames, but St. Florian is flame – fighter and I wanted to portray the essence of main motive in alternative, yet harmonious way. I’ve decided that I will focus on extinguishing as a deed and have zoomed in & reshaped detail of the main motive. I’ve mirrored it on the both sides. Then I’ve decided that I will connect all three parts with sky lines & colours.

I’ve put the drawing under the glass and copied it with black contour. Then I started to paint the main figure, because I was choosing colours on the spot and I wanted to see how will they interact. I have also coloured 2 vertical grey lines which are separating motive on 3 parts (I have played with warm and cold grey shades).  Then I have continued with water, flames and a pitcher – again to see how colours will look together. So far, I was very satisfied with the result, but then - ‘catastrophe’.

I’ve just started to colour the sky when I’ve awkwardly put down the white paint at the side of the glass – partly on my phone - while concentrating that drop would not fall down from brush on what was already painted… so white paint has poured over already coloured flames and water… The problem was, that I have used all the colours for flames & water and that colours were given to me in glass bottles of tablets – thus I had no idea which brand and colours were in there before…  I was so shocked that I picked up the paint and have put it in the same spot, because I couldn’t believe what has just happened. And paint has fallen again…

I’ve tried to wipe the paint down gently, but I couldn’t remove it totally without destroying the flames… thus I have leave it half wiped and just started to cry… I have called my mother, who has ordered that piece, and told her that I have f****d up.
I have leave it for few days and then I have taken it with me when I have visited my parents. We were looking at it. I’ve remembered that I could remove colour with acetone and my boyfriend suddenly came to idea – why don’t you just turn it around – on the other side mistake is barely visible. And so, the new hope for painting has started.
I have leaved flames as they were – with little white over them, I have used acetone and many many ear sticks to remove white colour + some water fields. And then I started to paint the sky from the beginning. Very carefully and with lots of patience… Then I saw that paintings actually looks better on the other side as white colour was covering black contour on the original side too much.

Final creation wasn’t exactly what I was planning / hoping for, but the process was very precious experience to me. I have learned that I need to listen myself; in the beginning there was the thought ‘you better make more clean space on the table before you start creating – you know you have to act quickly if something goes wrong and searching for place on which you will put material with sticky colour will slow you down’. The lesson about slowing down & precision & patience lol… While painting on glass, one needs all of those. If one does not take them into account soon enough – the lesson will just be prolonged / it will become next level problem. Another lesson was in relation to drama of quitting. Right after the ‘accident’ has happened I was really thinking about throwing the whole thing away within disappointment… However, my father has bought the glass, therefore I have decided to keep it, clean all colours down and reuse it for something else (as I have believed that I have crossed the deadline for this specific order). I have given myself some time & I’ve consulted with others and the consequence was to not keep just the glass plate, but to keep the painting and to reshape / reorganise it. So I have managed to shift from problem oriented mind to solution orientation – with help of others – and instead of quitting and bitter experience we have finished painted glass and satisfaction. How cool is that!?

This is actually not just the story of some painting...
it is story about my relationship, about process of changing my relationship...

petek, 05. junij 2020


The first thought when I saw that topic was – yes, I’m religiously intolerant and I’m proud of it! 
I don’t want to listen to anyone who is (seriously) advocating any kind of religion… and if I have to – I will go straight in word-fight with that person.

The thing is, that I was forced into religion from my family. I was forced to go to masses at least every Sunday + I was forced to help to the priest at the ceremonies. I was thought to be afraid of the god, that I will be punished and go to the hell if I will not act as a good person should. And I was scared of god as fuck! When I started to research my sexuality, I have turned the cross on the wall so that the back side was in front and ‘He’ could not directly see me… although I doubt it will work as I was told that ‘He’ is all-present.

I saw all that hypocrisy within the people – how they were at the masses versus in reality - and total artificiality/in-sin-cerity within the priest – almost nobody hasn’t walk the talk which was so dramatically ‘humbly’ recited at the masses.

Yet I was forced to go to masses and to help to the priest at the ceremonies even after every kid stooped visiting the church -– after ‘birma’ – kind of ‘maturity ceremony’ where one gets some expensive material stuff like watches, golden jewelry, vehicle like scooter or a good bike, technological devices…

I have experienced another rebel wave when in school we were told about other religions for the first time (in era without internet). Buddhism seemed to have so much more common sense then Christianity…

Coercion has continued after primary school and me and my mother have had many many fights about not/visiting masses. She stubbornly glorifies tradition with all of her heart and is not inclined to take a look at conflicting things – like what kind of god would allow that her father gets Alzheimer’s and her mother dementia and that all of our family (+close relatives) are in CONSTANT TENSION while taking care of them… what kind of god would allow other people to suffer in so many different more cruel ways than we did…

The bottom line was that I have refused to go to the church even for the biggest Christian holidays -Easter & Christmas when even all the others semi-believers are there… Mother was deeply sad about it. And I was deeply proud of myself for liberating myself from that year’s long delusional enforcement.
I have also refused to give a handshake to the priest which I have served at the masses when he visited our grandmother some years ago at our fucking home! again – there was simply ‘no’ life in his eyes, ‘only’ presence of fake superiority.

Later I found Desteni and the massage of – believing in superior creator(s) is abdication of one’s own power--responsibility + only god is the physical and it doesn’t require any faith. I have experienced new kind of relief (in the beginning lol).

Then there is one other religious conflict existing within me… Muslims. I was exposed to a lot of news about how they will take over the Europe and forced us in their religion. Now I don’t know how could I ever stand to be forced in any religion again… but being forced in extremely patriarchal religion where women is seen as inferior and worthless / dirty – no fucking way! I would go mad.

So that is how I’m responsible for religious intolerance – with my reactions towards religions which are standing as defense mechanism – as if they will help me to not have to face enforcement into any religion ever again… lol…

Show me what I don't see here, please.