I have visited my parents.
Mother said that she had so much work that she didn't yet managed to bake a
cake for father's birthday. Then she said that I could have done it. I told her
a bit irritated - 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have
done it.'
The conversation went usual
way...
She told me that I could give
initiation for it.
I have answered with a bit of
anger - you are the organizer, you know what you want and need... tell me timely
and I will help.
She insisted that I should
offer more than help; usually she says that I should see thinks for myself, not
that she 'must show me everything'.
I got even more angry. And I
saw myself escalating emotions as so many times before, but I just 'couldn't'
stop myself as only thing I saw in those moments was that she wants me to
fulfil her expectations which she hasn't even shared until it was too late for
me to fulfil them.
There was some more destructive
+ conflict dialog and she has finished it with 'Leave it here. I had enough of
this till the end of my live' (she meant that specific conflict pattern which
we have played out so often). I had the backchat - 'Oh really - so how come you
have provoked it again, bi*ch.!. I'm so happy that I don't need to live with
your bullshit on daily basis anymore...'.
Later I asked myself - wtf did
I got angry? I mean if she expects that I will fulfil expectations which exist
only in her head, then that is obviously her problem. I don't need to react on
it with such intense anger anymore. Why did I get angry??
And my mind has said mockingly ‘What's wrong, you poor thing... you haven't fulfilled
mommy's expectations, ooooooooooh...'
... ... ...
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to create the ‘adopter of guilt’ character (or is maybe
already personality) and almost addictively accepted every guilt that mother has
projected on me through 3 fucking decades…
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to observe mother’s face in specific kind of moments and already
expect the she will be offended and felt some kind of guilty – even when I had
nothing to do with triggering offense in her.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to entertain myself with playing guilt-victim role in my mother’s
games and later in my own thoughts and imaginations.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to get irritated whenever mother has with an air of
accusation told me that I could have done something in the nearest past. Within
that I forgive myself for making irritation, anger and rage masks for my
suppressed feelings of guilt and adopted disappointment.
I forgive my mother for all of
her (un)successful attempts to make me feel guilty.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to feel subconsciously disappointed with myself when I
haven’t fulfilled mother’s expectations – even when they weren’t expressed
through words.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to expect that mother will change her nonsense expectations - that her unspoken expectations will be fulfilled from my side.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to be angry at mother because she expects me to see things
through her eyes, agree with her perspective and act accordingly.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to play inferiority & superiority games in contexts of
quilt & in relation to my mother.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to exist in happiness because I don’t have to bear mother’s
expectations bullshit anymore.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to subconsciously feel obligated to fulfil mother’s
unspoked expectation / that I wanted to be ‘a good child, who will make his
mommy happy and proud’.
I commit myself to stop using
words 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have done
it.' and instead of that just tell her half humorously, half seriously ‘Sorry
cause I can’t read your mind.’ That has worked before. With saying that out
loud I give myself flagging point to not go there again – even if she reacts on
those words. Maybe she will even more often see, that reading her mind is
actually what she expects from me and thus she will not provoke emotional
conflict.
I commit myself to quit ‘adopter
of guilt’ character – to stop myself in that kind of moments - no matter on
which level of it I will catch myself in specific moment. It will take time.
But is time to start practicing it finally.
I commit myself to stop the
desire that mother would change / stop her bullshit; instead I will change
myself / stop my bullshit – I will redefine words
expectation & disappointment.
I commit myself to stop to
strive for being ‘a good child, who will make his mommy happy and proud’, as I
see that she alone is responsible for her happiness, which is besides that conditioned with socially conditioned ‘values’
and traditional ‘values’.
I will rather take care for make myself satisfied with who and how I am.
