Adopter of guilt : unspoken expectations : happy and proud mommy (no more)

I have visited my parents. Mother said that she had so much work that she didn't yet managed to bake a cake for father's birthday. Then she said that I could have done it. I told her a bit irritated - 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have done it.'

The conversation went usual way...

She told me that I could give initiation for it.

I have answered with a bit of anger - you are the organizer, you know what you want and need... tell me timely and I will help.

She insisted that I should offer more than help; usually she says that I should see thinks for myself, not that she 'must show me everything'.

I got even more angry. And I saw myself escalating emotions as so many times before, but I just 'couldn't' stop myself as only thing I saw in those moments was that she wants me to fulfil her expectations which she hasn't even shared until it was too late for me to fulfil them.

There was some more destructive + conflict dialog and she has finished it with 'Leave it here. I had enough of this till the end of my live' (she meant that specific conflict pattern which we have played out so often). I had the backchat - 'Oh really - so how come you have provoked it again, bi*ch.!. I'm so happy that I don't need to live with your bullshit on daily basis anymore...'.

Later I asked myself - wtf did I got angry? I mean if she expects that I will fulfil expectations which exist only in her head, then that is obviously her problem. I don't need to react on it with such intense anger anymore. Why did I get angry?? And my mind has said mockingly ‘What's wrong, you poor thing... you haven't fulfilled mommy's expectations, ooooooooooh...'

... ... ...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the ‘adopter of guilt’ character (or is maybe already personality) and almost addictively accepted every guilt that mother has projected on me through 3 fucking decades…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe mother’s face in specific kind of moments and already expect the she will be offended and felt some kind of guilty – even when I had nothing to do with triggering offense in her.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself with playing guilt-victim role in my mother’s games and later in my own thoughts and imaginations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get irritated whenever mother has with an air of accusation told me that I could have done something in the nearest past. Within that I forgive myself for making irritation, anger and rage masks for my suppressed feelings of guilt and adopted disappointment.

I forgive my mother for all of her (un)successful attempts to make me feel guilty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel subconsciously disappointed with myself when I haven’t fulfilled mother’s expectations – even when they weren’t expressed through words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that mother will change her nonsense expectations - that her unspoken expectations will be fulfilled from my side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at mother because she expects me to see things through her eyes, agree with her perspective and act accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play inferiority & superiority games in contexts of quilt & in relation to my mother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in happiness because I don’t have to bear mother’s expectations bullshit anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subconsciously feel obligated to fulfil mother’s unspoked expectation / that I wanted to be ‘a good child, who will make his mommy happy and proud’.

I commit myself to stop using words 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have done it.' and instead of that just tell her half humorously, half seriously ‘Sorry cause I can’t read your mind.’ That has worked before. With saying that out loud I give myself flagging point to not go there again – even if she reacts on those words. Maybe she will even more often see, that reading her mind is actually what she expects from me and thus she will not provoke emotional conflict.

I commit myself to quit ‘adopter of guilt’ character – to stop myself in that kind of moments - no matter on which level of it I will catch myself in specific moment. It will take time. But is time to start practicing it finally.

I commit myself to stop the desire that mother would change / stop her bullshit; instead I will change myself / stop my bullshit – I will redefine words expectation & disappointment. 

I commit myself to stop to strive for being ‘a good child, who will make his mommy happy and proud’, as I see that she alone is responsible for her happiness, which is besides that conditioned with socially conditioned ‘values’ and traditional ‘values’.
I will rather take care for make myself satisfied with who and how I am.