Ashamed for not knowing how exactly did my injury occur

While being on the faculty, I’ve attended the freshman party. I was drinking and smoking weed as usual. I did not exaggerate, I just felt nice’n’cozy when unexpected and unpleasant event happened.

I went outside with a colleague and I have slide with my hand on the doors. Suddenly those heavy metal doors closed and the thought appeared: ‘wait a minute, what has just happened… did I really stayed without top of my finger??’ I looked down and my middle finger was bleeding; few mm of finger was missing.

My other colleague accompanied me to the hospital which was like 200 meters away and they have fixed me. They needed to cut a bit more of the top and now I have hooked fingernail for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed even in front of myself, because I don’t know what & how exactly did that happened – was it my fault, did the security guard pushed the door, I can’t even explain on which side of the door was my hand when cut happened…

When and as I see myself existing as shame, because I was too much in my mind and too little in the physical to know what has actually happened – how specifically did the injury occur – I stop and I take few breaths.

I see that others are accepting explanation that my finger top was cut by the doors and I don’t need to explain myself further and thus accumulate additional reactions within me. I realize, that the shame will not help me to see how exactly I loosed the top.

I commit myself to leave the shame behind me and rather take that memory as a reminder of what can happened if I give too much attention to my thoughts, feelings and emotions and too little to my body and my surrounding while moving around.