That special place – creating it instead of missing it

In my childhood there was that special place behind our house; we had a really big sweet yellow cherry tree on which hanged homemade swing. Underneath was little hill on which were growing wood's strawberries. Part of 'hilly' was cut off and there was the sand-place where I used to play a lot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define that place as special and to missing it. Within that I forgive myself to associate it with worry-lessness and abundance and as such define it as positive.

When and as I see myself existing in longing for similar special place / paradise -- I stop and I breathe.

I look around me and I check out what kind of changes can I make in place in which I live to make it more joyful and pleasant. + I go in nature to discover interesting places and maybe put some creations in them - even if its temporarily.

Asking experts for support / many people for experience as prevention of pain

On day x I've done cleansing of my bowels for medical examination. It was third one in the row for me and before doing it I got info that the prescribed laxative contains aspartame, which many are referring as sweet poison, silent killer etc.. Therefore, I've decided to try something different - I ate only soups for two days and I drank a laxative drink with lots of magnesium.

At the end of the third liter my anus was in such burning pain, that I have cried in despair at exterminations. There came the thought 'Fuck you with 'try everything and keep what's best''! I had that feeling like someone/something already knows what is best, but it doesn't want to show me and therefore I have to suffer. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to felt abandoned by the creator / universe / higher force / whatever and the portal while experiencing burning pain in my anus.

When and as I see myself falling in feeling of abandonment from the creator / universe / higher force / whatever and the portal while experiencing breath-shortening pain -- I stop and I take few breaths anyway.

I see, that I got the idea about chosen way of cleansing from specific person, which has usually commonsensical statements and which did use that method that has worked well AT HER... I understand that it was my choice to try it, no matter how much I didn't like the consequence. [Yawning all over... -- 'I just wouldn't do that to myself' deception] I realize, that I'm individual, a bit different than anybody else and I have to find for myself what does work the best for me - as I (should) know myself the best...

I've already described my situation and asked for support in group which has a lot of experience with bowel cleansing. In the future I will do that BEFORE I try something sensitively new...

Becoming my own unconditional comfort and gentle presence

When I was little, we had a dog named Riki. Every-time I felt sad, powerless, hopeless I went to him - as he didn't judge me, he didn't mock me, he didn't promise that it will be better soon, he was just there for me with his 'sad', understandable eyes and warm, soft fur.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in desire to have a pet / a friend who would just be with me in unpleasant moments and offer me unconditional comfort and gentle presence.

When and as I see myself craving for outside source of unconditional comfort and gentle presence in moments which I define as unpleasant -- I stop and I take few breaths.

I see, that sometimes a friend/pet is available and willing to comfort me, other time not. In second case I will have to become that gentle presence for myself.

I commit myself to stop relying on others/pets to give me unconditional comfort and gentle presence and rather become it. Through the hug, something warm, few moments of silence...

Gaining weight : 'You have to do somethiiing!'

Every time my mother sees that I've gained weight, she starts bugging me that I can't continue like that with words 'You have to do somethiiing!'-- although she was quite fat and she didn't managed to lose her weight - until she got gastric bypass.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother as two-faced, because she request from me to deal with my weight despite that she couldn't deal with her weight on her own.

I see, that she got very negative attachments regarding gaining weight; she was ashamed of herself and dissatisfied with herself, she was quite sad and hopeless, she was judging herself through the eyes of others (especially my father’s)... She doesn't want me to go through same experience, therefore she shows her worry through reminding me to change myself. And because she doesn't know how, she keeps saying that I have to do 'something'.

I commit myself to stop judging her as two-faced and comparing our situations. The content of her massage is actually commonsense - I have to change my eating and exercising habits. As far as it concerns the way she says it - it's my responsibility to stop reacting on it - because I ‘know’, that she will not change her way.