Ashamed for not knowing how exactly did my injury occur

While being on the faculty, I’ve attended the freshman party. I was drinking and smoking weed as usual. I did not exaggerate, I just felt nice’n’cozy when unexpected and unpleasant event happened.

I went outside with a colleague and I have slide with my hand on the doors. Suddenly those heavy metal doors closed and the thought appeared: ‘wait a minute, what has just happened… did I really stayed without top of my finger??’ I looked down and my middle finger was bleeding; few mm of finger was missing.

My other colleague accompanied me to the hospital which was like 200 meters away and they have fixed me. They needed to cut a bit more of the top and now I have hooked fingernail for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed even in front of myself, because I don’t know what & how exactly did that happened – was it my fault, did the security guard pushed the door, I can’t even explain on which side of the door was my hand when cut happened…

When and as I see myself existing as shame, because I was too much in my mind and too little in the physical to know what has actually happened – how specifically did the injury occur – I stop and I take few breaths.

I see that others are accepting explanation that my finger top was cut by the doors and I don’t need to explain myself further and thus accumulate additional reactions within me. I realize, that the shame will not help me to see how exactly I loosed the top.

I commit myself to leave the shame behind me and rather take that memory as a reminder of what can happened if I give too much attention to my thoughts, feelings and emotions and too little to my body and my surrounding while moving around.

Vividness

Few years ago I went to the youth mountain camp as a mentor. When we came on the top of 2000+ meters high mountain, we had hardly deserved snack break. We were already happy with our achievement and we were enjoying usual lunch a lot more then usually, when we got an extra surprise.
Near us was a crow (or maybe two) with opened wings, which were moving rarely as the wind was so strong that the bird was simply floating in the air at the same place. (It had that UFO like movement.)
I was fascinated and others also, there was honest wonder and excitement in the air and everything felt so alive…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define vividness with (positively) charged moments with a lot of stimulation and/or happening or with moments of calmer satisfaction and to define every day / repeating / usual moments as opposite of vividness…

I see, that my vividness should not be depended on factors outside of me, but it should be inner state, decision of ‘I want to live’, decision of ‘I’m solution oriented’, decision of ‘I want to get to know everything as myself’.

I commit myself to stop looking for vividness triggers outside of me and to start giving/gifting them to myself through fulfilling my potentials. 

Adopter of guilt : unspoken expectations : happy and proud mommy (no more)

I have visited my parents. Mother said that she had so much work that she didn't yet managed to bake a cake for father's birthday. Then she said that I could have done it. I told her a bit irritated - 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have done it.'

The conversation went usual way...

She told me that I could give initiation for it.

I have answered with a bit of anger - you are the organizer, you know what you want and need... tell me timely and I will help.

She insisted that I should offer more than help; usually she says that I should see thinks for myself, not that she 'must show me everything'.

I got even more angry. And I saw myself escalating emotions as so many times before, but I just 'couldn't' stop myself as only thing I saw in those moments was that she wants me to fulfil her expectations which she hasn't even shared until it was too late for me to fulfil them.

There was some more destructive + conflict dialog and she has finished it with 'Leave it here. I had enough of this till the end of my live' (she meant that specific conflict pattern which we have played out so often). I had the backchat - 'Oh really - so how come you have provoked it again, bi*ch.!. I'm so happy that I don't need to live with your bullshit on daily basis anymore...'.

Later I asked myself - wtf did I got angry? I mean if she expects that I will fulfil expectations which exist only in her head, then that is obviously her problem. I don't need to react on it with such intense anger anymore. Why did I get angry?? And my mind has said mockingly ‘What's wrong, you poor thing... you haven't fulfilled mommy's expectations, ooooooooooh...'

... ... ...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the ‘adopter of guilt’ character (or is maybe already personality) and almost addictively accepted every guilt that mother has projected on me through 3 fucking decades…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe mother’s face in specific kind of moments and already expect the she will be offended and felt some kind of guilty – even when I had nothing to do with triggering offense in her.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself with playing guilt-victim role in my mother’s games and later in my own thoughts and imaginations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get irritated whenever mother has with an air of accusation told me that I could have done something in the nearest past. Within that I forgive myself for making irritation, anger and rage masks for my suppressed feelings of guilt and adopted disappointment.

I forgive my mother for all of her (un)successful attempts to make me feel guilty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel subconsciously disappointed with myself when I haven’t fulfilled mother’s expectations – even when they weren’t expressed through words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that mother will change her nonsense expectations - that her unspoken expectations will be fulfilled from my side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at mother because she expects me to see things through her eyes, agree with her perspective and act accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play inferiority & superiority games in contexts of quilt & in relation to my mother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in happiness because I don’t have to bear mother’s expectations bullshit anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subconsciously feel obligated to fulfil mother’s unspoked expectation / that I wanted to be ‘a good child, who will make his mommy happy and proud’.

I commit myself to stop using words 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have done it.' and instead of that just tell her half humorously, half seriously ‘Sorry cause I can’t read your mind.’ That has worked before. With saying that out loud I give myself flagging point to not go there again – even if she reacts on those words. Maybe she will even more often see, that reading her mind is actually what she expects from me and thus she will not provoke emotional conflict.

I commit myself to quit ‘adopter of guilt’ character – to stop myself in that kind of moments - no matter on which level of it I will catch myself in specific moment. It will take time. But is time to start practicing it finally.

I commit myself to stop the desire that mother would change / stop her bullshit; instead I will change myself / stop my bullshit – I will redefine words expectation & disappointment. 

I commit myself to stop to strive for being ‘a good child, who will make his mommy happy and proud’, as I see that she alone is responsible for her happiness, which is besides that conditioned with socially conditioned ‘values’ and traditional ‘values’.
I will rather take care for make myself satisfied with who and how I am. 

Gifting myself that simple precious pleasure

I was a child, on the sea with my parents. I have found the rock, that was looking/feeling like armchair and it was covered with water for around 20 cm above the seat. I remember sitting on it, enjoying till fullest: the sun warming my skin, the sea caressing my lower body and every single spoon of the yogurt has tasted like heaven.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in constant desire to be able to consume sun and sea on daily basis for as long as I want.

I realize, that I'm existing in that desire, seeing that possibility as 'luxurious' way of living, but I'm not doing anything to get closer to a place where I could swim & sunbath daily. I commit myself to get myself a job, so that I can drive myself more often to the closest gravel pit and give myself those pleasures.

That special place – creating it instead of missing it

In my childhood there was that special place behind our house; we had a really big sweet yellow cherry tree on which hanged homemade swing. Underneath was little hill on which were growing wood's strawberries. Part of 'hilly' was cut off and there was the sand-place where I used to play a lot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define that place as special and to missing it. Within that I forgive myself to associate it with worry-lessness and abundance and as such define it as positive.

When and as I see myself existing in longing for similar special place / paradise -- I stop and I breathe.

I look around me and I check out what kind of changes can I make in place in which I live to make it more joyful and pleasant. + I go in nature to discover interesting places and maybe put some creations in them - even if its temporarily.

Asking experts for support / many people for experience as prevention of pain

On day x I've done cleansing of my bowels for medical examination. It was third one in the row for me and before doing it I got info that the prescribed laxative contains aspartame, which many are referring as sweet poison, silent killer etc.. Therefore, I've decided to try something different - I ate only soups for two days and I drank a laxative drink with lots of magnesium.

At the end of the third liter my anus was in such burning pain, that I have cried in despair at exterminations. There came the thought 'Fuck you with 'try everything and keep what's best''! I had that feeling like someone/something already knows what is best, but it doesn't want to show me and therefore I have to suffer. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to felt abandoned by the creator / universe / higher force / whatever and the portal while experiencing burning pain in my anus.

When and as I see myself falling in feeling of abandonment from the creator / universe / higher force / whatever and the portal while experiencing breath-shortening pain -- I stop and I take few breaths anyway.

I see, that I got the idea about chosen way of cleansing from specific person, which has usually commonsensical statements and which did use that method that has worked well AT HER... I understand that it was my choice to try it, no matter how much I didn't like the consequence. [Yawning all over... -- 'I just wouldn't do that to myself' deception] I realize, that I'm individual, a bit different than anybody else and I have to find for myself what does work the best for me - as I (should) know myself the best...

I've already described my situation and asked for support in group which has a lot of experience with bowel cleansing. In the future I will do that BEFORE I try something sensitively new...

Becoming my own unconditional comfort and gentle presence

When I was little, we had a dog named Riki. Every-time I felt sad, powerless, hopeless I went to him - as he didn't judge me, he didn't mock me, he didn't promise that it will be better soon, he was just there for me with his 'sad', understandable eyes and warm, soft fur.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in desire to have a pet / a friend who would just be with me in unpleasant moments and offer me unconditional comfort and gentle presence.

When and as I see myself craving for outside source of unconditional comfort and gentle presence in moments which I define as unpleasant -- I stop and I take few breaths.

I see, that sometimes a friend/pet is available and willing to comfort me, other time not. In second case I will have to become that gentle presence for myself.

I commit myself to stop relying on others/pets to give me unconditional comfort and gentle presence and rather become it. Through the hug, something warm, few moments of silence...

Gaining weight : 'You have to do somethiiing!'

Every time my mother sees that I've gained weight, she starts bugging me that I can't continue like that with words 'You have to do somethiiing!'-- although she was quite fat and she didn't managed to lose her weight - until she got gastric bypass.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother as two-faced, because she request from me to deal with my weight despite that she couldn't deal with her weight on her own.

I see, that she got very negative attachments regarding gaining weight; she was ashamed of herself and dissatisfied with herself, she was quite sad and hopeless, she was judging herself through the eyes of others (especially my father’s)... She doesn't want me to go through same experience, therefore she shows her worry through reminding me to change myself. And because she doesn't know how, she keeps saying that I have to do 'something'.

I commit myself to stop judging her as two-faced and comparing our situations. The content of her massage is actually commonsense - I have to change my eating and exercising habits. As far as it concerns the way she says it - it's my responsibility to stop reacting on it - because I ‘know’, that she will not change her way.   

Swimming pools re-joyment

Me and my partner are visiting swimming pools relatively often. On the beginning of our relationship there was that playful excitement every time we went to the swimming pools... I felt so fulfilled, totally joyful. After a year or so those feelings have evaporated and I felt like there is something missing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expected that visiting swimming pools with my partner will always be equally exciting and joyful experience as it was on beginning.

I see, that back then it was all new to me – having him as a partner and new pool-place we have most often visited -- which has contributed to good vibes / excitement.

Later we started visiting saunas more regularly and that became more interesting than just being in place with only pools.

+ When the excitement was gone, my focus went more in my body's responses: occasional twitching of my muscles while on the pool, aching on specific body points after pool time, temperature sensitivity...

When and as I see myself being in the pool, missing good-old-pool-vibes, judging past pool-moments with my partner as better that present ones -- I stop and I breathe.

What is my starting point for going to swimming pools? To relax and enjoy the water - the warmth of it, water massages, the lightness of us being in it... Thus I do that!

If I see that in pool places are growing numbers of things that disturb me on physical level, I change something. I choose different pool with hotter water, less chlorine, I bring magnesium oil with me to prevent twitching…

I commit myself to 'totally' replace desire for excitement / good vibes when being in swimming pools with focus on physical pleasures and self-care and thus give to myself the joy and fulfilment.

Prevention from freezing while overwhelmed with infos and/or stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes freeze when I percive that there is overload of information or there is stressful environment; to completely stop processing them – instead of calming down, living self-trust and walking through them!

When and as I see myself freezing in situations where I have to process a lot of information at once and/or I'm in stressful environment -- I stop and I breathe.

I realize that this is consequence of my general passivity and avoidance of facing actual (smaller) problems in real time.

I commit myself to push myself out of that freezing moment and move myself with assistance of breathing as soon as it appears within me and as me. It would be even better if I would train myself to take few relaxation moments in situations in which I have to process a lot of information at once and/or I'm in is stressful environment and thus prevent that 'short circuit'.
I commit myself to start redefining problems as challenges and thus moving myself from resistance to solution-oriented state.