Why don't you just accept what is best for all - including you?!?

When I have first heard about Equal money system in 2011 and then read all about it, it was immediately clear to me – this is it!!! I was very excited and I wanted to spread the word about it between everybody in my circle’s. I expected that most people would see common sense in it, adopt the idea and help to realise it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exists in belief that others will mostly be similarly excited as I was and that they will see common sense of such system without any problem – as the only obstacle was that they didn’t hear about it yet - and after we spread the voice everything will flow more or less smoothly.

Well, that was really one-of-a-kind case, however -- when and as I see myself existing as excitement about super & all-inclusive supportive idea and belief that it will be adopted by almost everyone who will hear about it – I stop and I take few breaths and then I take a few more.

I see, that people are still quite trapped in their unpractical mentall’n’emotional patterns, especially in victims and tradition/habits characters and personalities, which are preventing them to see a solution when they meet one or to align with it.

I commit myself to stay solution oriented and to not give up in such a cases; to talk with many – to see what is not clear, what exactly is bothering them and then using those points for further debate (after firs writing it out for myself if needed).

The story of some painting

I had dimensions and the motive. 

I started to research the motive, the symbolic. Within that I started to search for pictures on net – Saint Florian + painted glass. When I have found the one I was satisfied with, I saw that it has very different dimensions than the glass I was supposed to paint on. Thus, I’ve put chosen picture in the middle and started thinking about side design. Father suggested just flames, but St. Florian is flame – fighter and I wanted to portray the essence of main motive in alternative, yet harmonious way. I’ve decided that I will focus on extinguishing as a deed and have zoomed in & reshaped detail of the main motive. I’ve mirrored it on the both sides. Then I’ve decided that I will connect all three parts with sky lines & colours.

I’ve put the drawing under the glass and copied it with black contour. Then I started to paint the main figure, because I was choosing colours on the spot and I wanted to see how will they interact. I have also coloured 2 vertical grey lines which are separating motive on 3 parts (I have played with warm and cold grey shades).  Then I have continued with water, flames and a pitcher – again to see how colours will look together. So far, I was very satisfied with the result, but then - ‘catastrophe’.

I’ve just started to colour the sky when I’ve awkwardly put down the white paint at the side of the glass – partly on my phone - while concentrating that drop would not fall down from brush on what was already painted… so white paint has poured over already coloured flames and water… The problem was, that I have used all the colours for flames & water and that colours were given to me in glass bottles of tablets – thus I had no idea which brand and colours were in there before…  I was so shocked that I picked up the paint and have put it in the same spot, because I couldn’t believe what has just happened. And paint has fallen again…

I’ve tried to wipe the paint down gently, but I couldn’t remove it totally without destroying the flames… thus I have leave it half wiped and just started to cry… I have called my mother, who has ordered that piece, and told her that I have f****d up.
I have leave it for few days and then I have taken it with me when I have visited my parents. We were looking at it. I’ve remembered that I could remove colour with acetone and my boyfriend suddenly came to idea – why don’t you just turn it around – on the other side mistake is barely visible. And so, the new hope for painting has started.
I have leaved flames as they were – with little white over them, I have used acetone and many many ear sticks to remove white colour + some water fields. And then I started to paint the sky from the beginning. Very carefully and with lots of patience… Then I saw that paintings actually looks better on the other side as white colour was covering black contour on the original side too much.

Final creation wasn’t exactly what I was planning / hoping for, but the process was very precious experience to me. I have learned that I need to listen myself; in the beginning there was the thought ‘you better make more clean space on the table before you start creating – you know you have to act quickly if something goes wrong and searching for place on which you will put material with sticky colour will slow you down’. The lesson about slowing down & precision & patience lol… While painting on glass, one needs all of those. If one does not take them into account soon enough – the lesson will just be prolonged / it will become next level problem. Another lesson was in relation to drama of quitting. Right after the ‘accident’ has happened I was really thinking about throwing the whole thing away within disappointment… However, my father has bought the glass, therefore I have decided to keep it, clean all colours down and reuse it for something else (as I have believed that I have crossed the deadline for this specific order). I have given myself some time & I’ve consulted with others and the consequence was to not keep just the glass plate, but to keep the painting and to reshape / reorganise it. So I have managed to shift from problem oriented mind to solution orientation – with help of others – and instead of quitting and bitter experience we have finished painted glass and satisfaction. How cool is that!? 😊

This is actually not just the story of some painting...
it is story about my relationship, about process of changing my relationship...

RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE #HOWAMIRESPONSIBLEFOR

The first thought when I saw that topic was – yes, I’m religiously intolerant and I’m proud of it! 

I don’t want to listen to anyone who is (seriously) advocating any kind of religion… and if I have to – I will go straight in word-fight with that person.

The thing is, that I was forced into religion from my family. I was forced to go to masses at least every Sunday + I was forced to help to the priest at the ceremonies. I was thought to be afraid of the god, that I will be punished and go to the hell if I will not act as a good person should. And I was scared of god as fuck! When I started to research my sexuality, I have turned the cross on the wall so that the back side was in front and ‘He’ could not directly see me… although I doubt it will work as I was told that ‘He’ is all-present.

I saw all that hypocrisy within the people – how they were at the masses versus in reality - and total artificiality/in-sin-cerity within the priest – almost nobody hasn’t walk the talk which was so dramatically ‘humbly’ recited at the masses.

Yet I was forced to go to masses and to help to the priest at the ceremonies even after every kid stooped visiting the church -– after ‘birma’ – kind of ‘maturity ceremony’ where one gets some expensive material stuff like watches, golden jewelry, vehicle like scooter or a good bike, technological devices…

I have experienced another rebel wave when in school we were told about other religions for the first time (in era without internet). Buddhism seemed to have so much more common sense then Christianity…

Coercion has continued after primary school and me and my mother have had many many fights about not/visiting masses. She stubbornly glorifies tradition with all of her heart and is not inclined to take a look at conflicting things – like what kind of god would allow that her father gets Alzheimer’s and her mother dementia and that all of our family (+close relatives) are in CONSTANT TENSION while taking care of them… what kind of god would allow other people to suffer in so many different more cruel ways than we did…

The bottom line was that I have refused to go to the church even for the biggest Christian holidays -Easter & Christmas when even all the others semi-believers are there… Mother was deeply sad about it. And I was deeply proud of myself for liberating myself from that year’s long delusional enforcement.
I have also refused to give a handshake to the priest which I have served at the masses when he visited our grandmother some years ago at our fucking home! again – there was simply ‘no’ life in his eyes, ‘only’ presence of fake superiority.


Later I found Desteni and the massage of – believing in superior creator(s) is abdication of one’s own power--responsibility + only god is the physical and it doesn’t require any faith. I have experienced new kind of relief (in the beginning lol).

Then there is one other religious conflict existing within me… Muslims. I was exposed to a lot of news about how they will take over the Europe and forced us in their religion. Now I don’t know how could I ever stand to be forced in any religion again… but being forced in extremely patriarchal religion where women is seen as inferior and worthless / dirty – no fucking way! I would go mad.


So that is how I’m responsible for religious intolerance – with my reactions towards religions which are standing as defense mechanism – as if they will help me to not have to face enforcement into any religion ever again… lol…


Show me what I don't see here, please.

Excited + happy : expectations : frustrated + grumpy

One day my partner expressed the desire for French fries. We were already in the car, but the hour was very late and we couldn’t remember where could we get one at that time. We went home and I’ve remembered that I have a package in freezer. I felt excited + happy, because of knowing that I can fulfil that specific desire of my partner.

But… I fry food very rarely and it has happened that the oil was not hot enough when I put potatoes in it… or maybe I put too much potato in it at once. Thus oil didn’t babble and the potato sucked it in too much. I got quite frustrated and grumpy as our expectations were not meet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pump the happiness and expectation within me, with under-thoughts in direction of ‘I will give him exactly what he wants… and he will appreciate me for that… and one day he will return me the favor… and they lived happily ever after :D’ + I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consequently fall in frustration and grumpiness when my/our expectations were not meet.

When and as I see myself getting excided in belief that I will please someone dear to me and because plan may fallow according to my imagination – I stop and a take few breaths.

I see that expectation always walks hand in hand with disappointment which steps forward when the expectation is not meet.

Therefore, I commit myself to stop pumping expectations when I catch them rising within me and rather calm them down.

(While I was writing those words, I have also cooked another specific meal which my partner desired. And there was some excitement. It is facing moment right on time J)    

Ashamed for not knowing how exactly did my injury occur

While being on the faculty, I’ve attended the freshman party. I was drinking and smoking weed as usual. I did not exaggerate, I just felt nice’n’cozy when unexpected and unpleasant event happened.

I went outside with a colleague and I have slide with my hand on the doors. Suddenly those heavy metal doors closed and the thought appeared: ‘wait a minute, what has just happened… did I really stayed without top of my finger??’ I looked down and my middle finger was bleeding; few mm of finger was missing.

My other colleague accompanied me to the hospital which was like 200 meters away and they have fixed me. They needed to cut a bit more of the top and now I have hooked fingernail for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed even in front of myself, because I don’t know what & how exactly did that happened – was it my fault, did the security guard pushed the door, I can’t even explain on which side of the door was my hand when cut happened…

When and as I see myself existing as shame, because I was too much in my mind and too little in the physical to know what has actually happened – how specifically did the injury occur – I stop and I take few breaths.

I see that others are accepting explanation that my finger top was cut by the doors and I don’t need to explain myself further and thus accumulate additional reactions within me. I realize, that the shame will not help me to see how exactly I loosed the top.

I commit myself to leave the shame behind me and rather take that memory as a reminder of what can happened if I give too much attention to my thoughts, feelings and emotions and too little to my body and my surrounding while moving around.

Vividness

Few years ago I went to the youth mountain camp as a mentor. When we came on the top of 2000+ meters high mountain, we had hardly deserved snack break. We were already happy with our achievement and we were enjoying usual lunch a lot more then usually, when we got an extra surprise.
Near us was a crow (or maybe two) with opened wings, which were moving rarely as the wind was so strong that the bird was simply floating in the air at the same place. (It had that UFO like movement.)
I was fascinated and others also, there was honest wonder and excitement in the air and everything felt so alive…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define vividness with (positively) charged moments with a lot of stimulation and/or happening or with moments of calmer satisfaction and to define every day / repeating / usual moments as opposite of vividness…

I see, that my vividness should not be depended on factors outside of me, but it should be inner state, decision of ‘I want to live’, decision of ‘I’m solution oriented’, decision of ‘I want to get to know everything as myself’.

I commit myself to stop looking for vividness triggers outside of me and to start giving/gifting them to myself through fulfilling my potentials. 

Adopter of guilt : unspoken expectations : happy and proud mommy (no more)

I have visited my parents. Mother said that she had so much work that she didn't yet managed to bake a cake for father's birthday. Then she said that I could have done it. I told her a bit irritated - 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have done it.'

The conversation went usual way...

She told me that I could give initiation for it.

I have answered with a bit of anger - you are the organizer, you know what you want and need... tell me timely and I will help.

She insisted that I should offer more than help; usually she says that I should see thinks for myself, not that she 'must show me everything'.

I got even more angry. And I saw myself escalating emotions as so many times before, but I just 'couldn't' stop myself as only thing I saw in those moments was that she wants me to fulfil her expectations which she hasn't even shared until it was too late for me to fulfil them.

There was some more destructive + conflict dialog and she has finished it with 'Leave it here. I had enough of this till the end of my live' (she meant that specific conflict pattern which we have played out so often). I had the backchat - 'Oh really - so how come you have provoked it again, bi*ch.!. I'm so happy that I don't need to live with your bullshit on daily basis anymore...'.

Later I asked myself - wtf did I got angry? I mean if she expects that I will fulfil expectations which exist only in her head, then that is obviously her problem. I don't need to react on it with such intense anger anymore. Why did I get angry?? And my mind has said mockingly ‘What's wrong, you poor thing... you haven't fulfilled mommy's expectations, ooooooooooh...'

... ... ...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the ‘adopter of guilt’ character (or is maybe already personality) and almost addictively accepted every guilt that mother has projected on me through 3 fucking decades…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe mother’s face in specific kind of moments and already expect the she will be offended and felt some kind of guilty – even when I had nothing to do with triggering offense in her.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself with playing guilt-victim role in my mother’s games and later in my own thoughts and imaginations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get irritated whenever mother has with an air of accusation told me that I could have done something in the nearest past. Within that I forgive myself for making irritation, anger and rage masks for my suppressed feelings of guilt and adopted disappointment.

I forgive my mother for all of her (un)successful attempts to make me feel guilty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel subconsciously disappointed with myself when I haven’t fulfilled mother’s expectations – even when they weren’t expressed through words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that mother will change her nonsense expectations - that her unspoken expectations will be fulfilled from my side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at mother because she expects me to see things through her eyes, agree with her perspective and act accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play inferiority & superiority games in contexts of quilt & in relation to my mother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in happiness because I don’t have to bear mother’s expectations bullshit anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subconsciously feel obligated to fulfil mother’s unspoked expectation / that I wanted to be ‘a good child, who will make his mommy happy and proud’.

I commit myself to stop using words 'Don't tell me that now. You would say it sooner and I would have done it.' and instead of that just tell her half humorously, half seriously ‘Sorry cause I can’t read your mind.’ That has worked before. With saying that out loud I give myself flagging point to not go there again – even if she reacts on those words. Maybe she will even more often see, that reading her mind is actually what she expects from me and thus she will not provoke emotional conflict.

I commit myself to quit ‘adopter of guilt’ character – to stop myself in that kind of moments - no matter on which level of it I will catch myself in specific moment. It will take time. But is time to start practicing it finally.

I commit myself to stop the desire that mother would change / stop her bullshit; instead I will change myself / stop my bullshit – I will redefine words expectation & disappointment. 

I commit myself to stop to strive for being ‘a good child, who will make his mommy happy and proud’, as I see that she alone is responsible for her happiness, which is besides that conditioned with socially conditioned ‘values’ and traditional ‘values’.
I will rather take care for make myself satisfied with who and how I am.